Get Started – Time will Pass Anyway

Ever have one of those days when you’re just sick of it all? Not because you’re stressed but because suddenly nothing seems appealing?

Chances are, the fall into such a day was not sudden.Will power is like a muscle as I have mentioned elsewhere and it does get tired. Maybe you’re getting sick and you don’t know it yet. The seasons might be changing. There could be any number of reasons you don’t want to do what is important, what you set out to do and have every intention of getting done.

But getting started. Ugh. Therein lies the rub.

I’m beginning to find out that there is an aspect of my will that is hugely emotional. My mind can go down an incredible array of excuses, emotions and otherwise, escapes, that will convince me not to pursue and get done what I have named as the one thing I need to do to consider the day a success. And it usually starts with just getting started.

Once I get started, the momentum carries me through but the herculean effort to just get going is where I like leave off, too.  So what to do?

I have learned to battle emotion with emotion. People talk about how you should picture the “What’s the worst that could happen?” game. That’s not a favorite of mine. Somehow it always ends with, “Well, someone could break in to my house, I wouldn’t be able to get to 911 in time and I could be murdered and my children left alone by themselves screaming.” Yeah. Too vivid. Too unnecessary. I agree.

So I play the “What if?” game. “I know,” I tell myself, “You don’t want to do this. But what if the day goes by and you haven’t done it at all? How horrible will you feel then?” And it works. Every single time. I get going.

Now, why is that? Why does it work?

I think the reason is this: I am driven more by avoiding pain than pursing pleasure. The motivation to do something fun later does not drive me as much as the inclination to avoid feeling bad. What kind of a person are you? What drives you the most? Seeking good things or avoiding bad? Both exist in all of us to a certain degree, but which one ranks higher in your life?

Think about it and plan your day around that. Sometimes it’s the only piece of information you need to get going.

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Control and the Art of Delegation (Part 2)

In my last post, I promised to share what I use as a chore chart, so here it is.

Above is a picture of a chore chart I use for my daughter who recently turned six. She isn’t reading proficiently yet but she does know a few sight words so I have used those. A little bit of a control freak herself (learning from the best!) she loves the checklist.

We do pay our children a small amount each week with which they buy toys and candy and save and tithe. Since this is a daily sheet, they get one quarter for their personal chores like cleaning up their room and bringing me their dirty laundry to wash and then the second quarter is earned by doing “mom’s chores.” (Yup, that’s supposed to be me up there.) These include anything from sorting and putting away laundry, bringing in groceries, cleaning the car, wiping down walls, sweeping, mopping the floors and so on. My littlest will turn two next month so these are a bit much for him, but he does put socks away, wipe up spills and do other smallish things to help. (We buy his candy – for now.)

But the big question: does this save time? And the answer absolutely is YES!

While the children are putting away laundry, for example, I will be washing dishes, or sweeping the floors or cleaning the bathroom. While they are cleaning their rooms, I can plan dinner, pay bills and so forth.

We assign one hour every morning to playing outside (while I write) and one hour to chores, after which we begin school. Doing chores together streamlines the day as nothing else would. The house is clean and we start anew every morning. It works.

That said, this is clearly not the only way. I have heard other moms share that they have two times in a day when they break to put things away and do chores. There are apps you can use, chore charts that hang on every child’s wall, some people choose to “pay” children with stars that add up to something special.

I say, do what works. This works for us for now.

I’m sure as the children get older, it will change. The way I see it, this style helps me achieve four things: teaching my children to work, instilling in them a desire for a clean and well-run home, saving me time and giving me less to do, not more (I haven’t put laundry away myself for six months!) and connecting the concept of earning money to work.

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Control and the Art of Delegation (Part 1)

“I’m a complete control freak! The only way to do it right is to do it yourself!”

How many times have you heard that? I confess to being one.

It was ingrained in me, really. As a girl of nine or so, I remember my father remaking his entire bed from scratch because the one time my mother made it, she left the sheets creased. This was before fitted sheets, mind you, and he had a very specific way of tucking the bedsheets under the mattress so they wouldn’t come loose. Apparently, my mother didn’t get the memo. Yeah. I have been trained to want things my way and my way alone.

Unfortunately, I also have children. Three of them. Six and under. Who make messes as easily as they breathe. What to do, what to do?

One word: delegate.

I have become a firm believer in delegating responsibilities to my children. Hence, chore charts. The caveat of course is that you have to go around and check what they’ve done and sometimes if they’ve done it at all.

However, it still saves you time in the long run and teaches them to do things for themselves, a necessary life skill. And maybe someday they won’t be twenty-three and on the other side of the earth and unable to wash basic dishes like a certain someone. Ahem. Not naming names.

I think my husband put it best. “If the kids are not cleaning, they’re making messes you have to clean up. So I’d rather they be doing their chores even if they’re done badly. At least it halts the mess-making process.”

Next time: chore charts and how exactly to go about delegating.

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Saving Time: The Urgent Versus the Important

Many years ago, perhaps before I really needed it, I read Stephen Covey. I think it’s in his book First Things First that he mentions the difference between urgent tasks and important tasks. He gives the example of the phone ringing – and our task of answering the phone – as an urgent task but the buying of, say, a life insurance policy as an important task. That distinction has remained with me for the last twenty years, even though everything else has been lost.

My present day is inundated with urgent tasks. At any given time, there are three little people talking to me as I try to think about what I’m making for dinner or prepping for school. If I do not sift through the urgent tasks and name them as such, the important ones do not get done. And this is why I am always a little bit envious of my husband’s ability to focus on a given task.It seems like all the children could be screaming, “Daddy!” into his ears and he would still be focused on what he’s doing. I’m not wired to do that; I have to choose – consciously, thoughtfully, every single day, what is to be done. This involves choice, not just for my self but training of the children as well.This involves knowing how to manage interruptions and not feeling unnecessary guilt about things like using electronics. (This is a real thing, trust me! No matter that all our finances, my writing and much of my reading is on electronic devices – apparently, I should be using pen and paper.) It involves dealing with boredom in creative ways.

Fifteen minutes are great for dealing with urgent tasks meal planning, prepping dinner, even sometimes school, but the more important tasks take longer. I find it best to take a break from the urgent, the daily, and free up time to take care of what is important instead of ignoring it.

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Focus: One at a Time

When I wrote this post about the power and necessity of a healthy dose of the negative, I began to think seriously about how saying “no” consistently affects specific personalities and why sometimes we (me included) are so averse to using that dreaded n-word.

My biggest fear in telling my children “no” is that they will assume I don’t love them. That seems to be the biggest fear in any kind of discipline, period.

I hate saying “no” to myself often enough until I remind myself consciously that one of God’s first commands was “Do NOT.” Also eight out of the Ten Commandments are essentially nos. But I firmly believe that God loves His people. Then why the abundance of nos?

I’m beginning to learn that certain personalities do react differently to being told to wait, or being told that they cannot have something. Some people need more time to learn to bend their will to what is good and others learn quicker. I happen to be one of those people who don’t react well to a “no.”

But in learning to manage time and money effectively, I have begun to have a better appreciation for negation as well as affirmation. Sometimes, it is necessary to show them why the no exists. This is how it is and you must obey doesn’t work well for too long. Either through consequences or through their own learning (and I would argue that parents use discipline as a way to hurry up learning of the natural moral consequences the children will suffer anyway) they must be shown why they need to mind.

When I have to refuse to do something that I really want to do, I use this technique: I emphasize one yes and one no at a time. If I want to change certain behavior, it helps to bring it down to its very basic essence. My current “no” battle is disciplining my children without raising my voice. My current “yes” battle is writing this blog and e-book. That’s it.

Everything else is currently on the back-burner.

It’s important to do just the same but if I have managed to do just these two things, I’ve won the day. I realize this is not always possible. Things intervene that must be dealt with and can throw us off but by and large this technique works. And it especially works with the children.

They each have a “no” battle and a “yes” battle currently. It’s on our calendar, our fridge and in constantly in the front of our minds as we discipline them. As long as there is focus, it is unlikely they think we’re being overly critical or that we don’t love them.

As long as there is one focused no and one focused yes, the rest of the time is free to shower them (and each other) with all the affection we need and want to give.

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Stepping Back: Or How to Begin a Time Budget

I remember the day we began a financial budget.

So many bills! No uniform paychecks. To top it all, there were those pesky bills that came at different times of the year – some annually, some monthly, some bi-monthly and some at some random moments of the year that could only be remembered by mnemonics. (No Darn Fooling Around – Due in November, late in December, due in February, late in April. Those are your property tax bill installments. You’re welcome.)

The task seemed huge if not impossible.

I was supposed to turn this tome of information into a coherent whole that could be managed and, more importantly, controlled? What did I look like? Super accountant woman? Look! There in the spreadsheet! It’s the gas bill! It’s the mortgage! It’s expenses! Down, down and balanced!

I am beginning to think that managing time is a lot like managing money.

We don’t really know where it’s going unless we take a good long look at the regular expenditure.

As in budgeting money, there is little to be gained in trying to save it without knowing the amount that is currently being spent. It takes us longer to get ready to go anywhere with three children, so it helps to know how much longer and set aside a budget for it.

This budget must be worst case scenario, not best case. There will be so-called “last minute” spills and diaper changes. Someone will begin a fight with someone and discipline will be necessary. Budgeting for worst case scenario is the only way, in my experience, to never be late.

Often we try to fit our daily routine into someone else’s time arrangement only to feel like colossal failures. I would argue that this is like trying to download a financial budget of someone else’s income and try to make it fit. It’s just not going to work.

There are only 24 hours in everyone’s day but there are individual routines, personalities and, for lack of a better word, family cultures we encounter. Some families take their food seriously, some don’t, for example. Some take longer for school, some take naps, others play video games. The same 24 hours must be divided according to what we want to accomplish and how long it takes us given the personalities of the children and the adults with whom we live.

The first step then is not to save time or even to manage it. The first step is backwards: observing and noting how long it really takes.

Budgeting is a necessary step, but it’s the second one.

I had a friend in school who didn’t understand how to take notes. She would listen to lectures and try to write down every word, which was impossible.

“Just write down what’s important!” I told her. “It’s simple!”

“But how do I know what’s important?” she asked.

She hadn’t taken the first step, which in this case was to research the kind of questions most likely to be on the test. Without that necessary research, everything seemed important. Without taking an inventory of how long it takes us to accomplish a specific task, especially the repetitive ones that are so common in our lives, adopting any time table or schedule will be doomed to failure.

So take a step back. Research. It’s the most effective way to begin.

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Say “No” to Save Time

One of the first words most children learn – next to their name – is no. No, mommy, I don’t want to eat the peas. No, daddy, don’t make me sit in the corner. No, I won’t do it. No, no, no.

Is that why the word “No” gets such a bad rap? Why are there so many parenting articles that recommend the use of the word “later” or “maybe” instead? A training in saying “no” is as essential as the freedom to say “Yes!”

For all my optimism, I have grown to love the negatives in life. No is a very important word. No, you may not touch that – it’s hot. No, you cannot treat your sister like that – it hurts. No, you cannot have a whole pound of candy – you will get sick.

No focuses us on what’s important, not just what is urgent. If we never eliminate anything, we will never be nourished with what really matters.

The difficulty is that unlike choosing between the lesser of two evils, we usually have to choose between the good and the better. And of course it all sounds good, because it is. But often a no is not just necessary, it is desirable.

Steve Jobs may not have been a nice man to know or work for, but he got this one thing right. “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on,” he’s been quoted as saying. “But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” 

The same is true of time management for moms. It’s not only saying no to your kids when they want to do something potentially harmful, but also saying no to yourself. No, I cannot stay up late too often because I will be tired tomorrow. No, I cannot skip homeschooling today. No, I have to do laundry because no one will have clean underwear tomorrow if I don’t wash clothes today. No, my work isn’t drudgery because people depend on me to get these important things done and if I don’t do them, they will not get done. 

As a mom, I already know the art of negotiating with my children while never giving in. Turning it around on myself is an art and ultimately self discipline

Saying “no” often and at the right time can help you save time.

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Indecisiveness and the Modern Mom

See that meme? I spent about ten minutes working on it.

Because it had to be perfect. Because I wanted it to say exactly that. Because it would otherwise reflect an image of me that said I allow carelessness, that I somehow have forgotten how to pay attention to detail, that, somehow I don’t care. And I do care. I care very much what you think about my blog. I care what people say on my Facebook page. All day, whether at home or out and about, I care.

And when it comes to my children, this caring is carried to the penultimate level. I care what my kids eat, what they wear, what they do. I care what they think, I care how they behave with each other. I care that they have friends, entertainment, school in the right amount. I care that all of this exists in their lives in the perfect amount – just enough, not too much. Of course I care.

I care entirely too much.

When I spent what was just ten minutes on that meme, that was ten out of the twenty-five minutes I had carved out for myself in the morning to be able to write this post. Did I succeed? Hmm. Yes. I like what I’ve done there. Clever, if I may say so myself. Was it worth forty percent of the time I have set aside for blogging? That’s debatable.

I think my life as a modern mom often reflects this dilemma and it affects how I spend my day and whether, when I lie down, I feel as if I have accomplished what I set out to do or if I’m just marking time.

There’s a connection. Time management is not something only corporate types need. As a mom, I especially need to number my days, hours, minutes so that I truly apply my heart to wisdom. And often I have found there is one thing that stands in the way: the embarrassment of riches.

The tyranny of choice has been well documented. Given the plethora of options, moms today are often at a loss about how to navigate their way through the day.

So many decisions! What to make for dinner? What curriculum to pick for school? What to wear? What to do for school? Which room to organize and clean first? How to teach the reluctant child? And sometimes, what approach is best? Am I harming my children by letting them play computer games? Am I hurting them by not teaching them to read early enough? Am I giving them enough time to play outside?

Here’s the thing: big questions need answering. They need big answers. I’m not denying that. Convictions take time to form. You should, by all means available to you, take the time to form convictions, deep convictions, unshakable ones. Everyone needs to know the hills they’re willing to die on, battle lines that will not be passed if only to know what isn’t all that important.

And here’s another thing: what isn’t all that important isn’t all that important. I know I’m sounding redundant. But it needs to be said. I know because I’ve said to myself often. The thing we get stuck on is this: what isn’t all that important isn’t all that important – but it still needs to get done. It doesn’t need to be perfect. Life in this world is inherently messy. Mistakes cannot be avoided. You’re not going to get it all right.

As one of my favorite teachers in college loved to say, “You have to be comfortable with not figuring it all out.” (She taught literature. That’s obvious, isn’t it?)

In my day, there are a million decisions to be made, but some of them are already in place because of my convictions. The rest are routines, which give our family the familiarity we need to be able to relax. And the smallest of things that don’t matter very much at all have the niftiest of tools: timers and stopwatches.

The real art – my true wisdom, and yours – is in knowing which decisions of the day fall into which category. That will be our legacy because that, after all, makes a life.

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Interruptions and the Art of Managing Mom Time (Part 2)

Routine. It’s a word with which I have a love-hate relationship. I think there’s a picture in Pinterestland that says, “I crave excitement, until I’m worn out and then I want routine. Until I get bored and then I crave excitement.” My life is often like this.

One thing I’m convinced of with children though – they need a routine. And they need it to the point of me wanting to set my own hair on fire for something new to happen around here. What I have to get my head around is the fact that to one, four and five year old eyes, everything is already new.

They wake up with a sparkle in their eyes, they love sitting around the dinner table learning that 4 + 2 is 6, every day is an adventure, going to the store is fun. There is so much to look at, feel, sense, hear: the world does not seem boring to them. And routines or predictability and familiarity, if you prefer, are the branches on which they hang their burgeoning world.

“It’s two! Time to watch TV. It’s nine! Time for chores and then school.” My daughter knows. And while it drives me crazy on days when we’re out and about and she complains that two o’ clock came and went and she didn’t get to watch her precious My Little Pony, I also know that because she only watches TV at two p.m. and not at any other time in the day, that time is now free of pleading, begging, trying to wrangle it out of me or fighting and misbehaving for it.

That leaves us with the day free to pursue other things.

My son hasn’t quite grasped that yet and so he will occasionally ask me if he can play video games, but I tell him that video games don’t get played until three p.m. He is allowed educational games on the computer however before then. And there are specific times in the day when we do not allow screens and have mandatory outside free play time.

How does this figure into time management? Even though I will say I absolutely hate routines, the truth is I perform better and get more done in a day if I know what is coming, what is expected of me and if I have allotted myself time in the day to do it.

These little people are not that different. They want to know what’s coming and when they can have it in a way that does not anger their parents. It’s a little like budgeting money: I can get what I want, I can even have a little discretionary “fun” money, if I learn to discipline myself to wait and not spend haphazardly.

Of course I fail, but when I do at least I know I’m not on track and then have a plan to get back in control. If I have no plan in place for our daily schedule, I have to begin each day over with each child and if that is enough to drive an adult up the wall, imagine what it does to children to whom everything is already new.

Work on establishing a routine, even if the only joy you get from it is looking forward to breaking it. It’s worth it.

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Interruptions and the Art of Managing Mom Time (Part 1)

(This post picks up where yesterday’s post about the real reason moms don’t manage time well left off. So if you haven’t read that one, you should go read it first.)

As I was writing it, I realized that in spite my warnings to my children not to interrupt me, I had to stop and talk to them about three to four times before I could finish the piece. This was three or four times within fifteen minutes.

And each time I noticed my mounting frustration, my need to have to go back over to read the sentence I had just written, how I couldn’t finish my thought and how easy it would be to throw up my hands and quit. I don’t because this is important to me. It may not be the keystone habit that I’m working on but it is nevertheless important to me to be able to have time to write.

I was never good at multitasking. As it turns out, it’s not the most efficient way to do things anyway.

When it comes to writing, however, I find that in some ways my mind is already on overload because I’m pulling disparate things together and putting them into some kind of a coherent whole. To then have to pay attention to children as well through it makes one big mess.

Those of you who make things with your hands have a little more leeway but interruptions make everything last twice as long if not longer. It becomes easier to think, “I’ll just get back into [writing, knitting, reading, insert whatever hobby makes you feel alive here] when the kids are older.”

In my case, when my oldest child was almost a year old, I thought I would have time when she went to school. Well, we all know how that ended – we’re homeschooling.

But then I reasoned, surely education encompasses having to learn to control oneself as well. I must teach them to manage their time as well. The children need to learn that sometimes they cannot interrupt me, cannot get what they want immediately, that I am here with them all day long but that does not necessarily mean I do nothing else but stare into their eyes lovingly and get nothing else done.

Most of the battle here for moms is with their own selves, their thinking. If we go back a generation, most older women advise me to teach my children to manage themselves. It’s the younger moms who want to handhold one moment and complain of not having time to themselves the next. I think it’s time to ask yourself some hard questions.

This isn’t about being sentimental or selfish. This is about a workable solution.

There are some moments of the day I do not allow interruptions. I do punish the older kids for them. With the baby being one, those rules are relaxed a tad for him but not for the older children. This might seem harsh but only if I think that the children will never encounter a time when they cannot do as they wish. You see where this is leading, right?

Smoke or blood, I repeat. If there’s smoke or blood, come and get me. Otherwise, don’t interrupt. It works.

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